My Life As An Atheist -Part V

This entry is a continuation of "My Life As An Atheist." To view part one, click here.

________________________________________________

After a year back to college, my youngest brother John had become a born-again Christian.  I couldn't believe it.  I was floored.  A few months earlier he had been pounding shots with me on his 21st birthday and barfing in the street.  He was my cool, unmarried brother that I could go drink and have a good time with.  I don't remember him mentioning Jesus once in the first 21 years of his life.  Shortly after his conversion he sent an e-mail about it with pictures.  He had dipped himself into a trough filled with holy water and began speaking in tongues.

The "reply" button on my e-mail was pressed rather suddenly.  I remember saying something like "If you're a Creationist we are fucking arguing.  I can't believe you're doing this."  I felt like my brother had been taken away from me, and in a way he was.

He responded and said that he would rather discuss it in person than over an e-mail.

This may have been a big change in John's life, but it was the start of a big change in my life as well.  I really wanted to understand where he was coming from.  In some ways I felt like a father-type figure to him and that I had failed.  Furthermore, this was the second time that I had heard nothing about Jesus or religion from one of my brothers, and then one day they shock the hell out of me by announcing that they are born again.

I was also worried about myself.  Was I next?  Is this some kind of genetic predisposition that will make me susceptible to believing that the bible is a truly perfect and historically accurate book?

So I met up with him.  After all, I had just taken a Life Science class and knew a little about evolution.  Maybe he just never really learned the science.

WRONG.

We started talking and he began to explain his transformation.  This eventually escalated into a debate about evolution.  A debate, which I must say, I was ill prepared for.  

He absolutely slammed me in the corner.  I had no idea how deeply he'd been studying this subject.  He had learned the science, but he'd learned it from religious books.  Before I knew it, there were 5 books on the table and he had refuted every argument I had.

I was very annoyed at this point.  I made a comment about how dumb he sounded and left.

John opened my eyes that night.  

I couldn't get it off of my mind.  In the coming months we exchanged around 5 trillion e-mails discussing this topic, each one more immature and pointless than the one that preceded it.  I figured that if I found compelling enough evidence that I could convince him that he was wrong.

Additionally, his arguments from our first meeting began to sink in.  He told me a lot of information about evolution that I'd never heard before.*  His arguments made some sense, but I was not informed enough to make a decision on the topic.

*(I don't want to get into these arguments here.  This subject is discussed all over the internet, and it's not my aim to use this blog to restate old information.  If you want a good resource for Q & A to creationist/evolution arguments, go here.)

I worked in a high school computer lab at the time.  I remember proctoring a science standard test and seeing the images on the computer screens of transitional fossils.  I thought to myself, "Is there something to what he was saying?"

For clarity, I was in no way becoming religious.  John had simply made me think differently about evolution, and this challenge to my previous knowledge began to spread into other areas of thought.  What if everything that I knew was wrong?

John would send me articles to read, and I would give him the benefit of the doubt and try to read them objectively. 

I accepted a challenge from him to read the new testament of the bible.  I remember people saying things like, "Not you too," but I wasn't afraid.  If there is actually something about reading the bible that will convert you, then why not read the bible?  If that is the way to God then I should be able to read it and see what my brother saw.  If, as a side effect, I was converted into Christianity and truly believed that Jesus is Lord, then so be it.  After all, if someone figured that the bible would show them the truth just by reading it, and denied reading because they don't want to be Christian, they'd be lying to themselves.

I was doing these things, trying to understand where he was coming from, trying to figure out where this all started, and never saw it.  Reading the bible seemed overly familiar and uninspiring.  The "science" articles John sent me were full of false premises and weren't very convincing.  

As John and I exchanged articles, I began to learn a lot about the debate between evolution and creationism.  I also learned a lot about the nature of religion.  In one of the last articles I sent him, I'd thought I really had something that might help convince him that he was wrong.  His response was something along the lines of, "That's interesting.  I can't explain that.  I'll have to pray about it."  

At that point I realized that there was no convincing left to do.  I had lost.  I realized that I had made the fatal mistake of assuming that religion was about science and facts.  It is about faith.  Even if I had presented him the most convincing piece of evidence and refuted all of his arguments, it wouldn't have mattered.  Maybe we'll have a time machine one day and figure it all out.

I apologized, stopped sending e-mails, and didn't know what to believe anymore.  

The new and big difference in my beliefs was that I stopped feeling indifferent about religion.  It dawned on me that we can't just believe what we want.  That doesn't make any sense.  How does that get us to any sort of truth?  We can't say, "Ehhh, I don't like that," and use that as justification for what we believe.

We're all stupid humans, not Gods.  If we believe whatever the hell we want then we're just believing in some made-up self-religion that doesn't exist.

What are we worshipping at that point?  Some thing in the air?  Do we just believe in God because we feel it?  Could those feelings come from some other source?

Do those feelings even mean anything?

Muslim terrorists feel that they're doing God's will.  How do we know that they're wrong?  How do we know that the Koran isn't the truth and God doesn't want us to commit a Jihad?  Just because we don't believe in violence?  What if God wants us to be violent?  How would we know?  How do we know that the terrorists are wrong?  If they are wrong, how did they get there psychologically?

When the weather is nice, some Christians on campus stand outside with a cross and scream in people's faces that they're going to hell.  Other groups prop up pictures of aborted fetuses in protest of abortion, while others just simply read aloud from the bible. Is this what God wants me to do? 

These are the very committed believers.  I can respect the point of view of a very committed believer because they are mostly consistent in their beliefs.  I don't agree with their beliefs at all, but at least they aren't cherry picking the parts that they like and throwing the rest in the trash.

I began to doubt any and all religions and start over from the beginning, before I believed in anything.

Most Americans are raised to believe in some god.  As they grow and change, those people at least believe that there is some kind of God.  Even when those people give up on all existing religion they typically say, "I don't know what the answer is, but there's gotta be something, right?"

Maybe.

Wouldn't it be more appropriate start with the question, "Is there something?" then take it from there?

That's where I was, and that's what I asked.

That's where I remain.

Is there something?

I have no idea.

I began reading whatever I could, claimed a biochemistry major, and began listening to a heap of podcasts.  I discovered a community of people known as Skeptics.  

Through the skeptics and skepticism I found a lot of information on all sides of many arguments relating to science.  I was able to find information about the arguments against evolution that my brother had introduced to me.  I was turned on to a whole new way of evaluating information.  I've made more of an effort to hear out other people's arguments and to research what I believe before I believe it.  Even then, after I have reached my conclusion, I've learned to be willing to change my mind if a compelling argument or evidence is presented.  That is one of the cornerstones of Skepticism and of Science.

In my findings I have found that the answer about God is:  no one knows.  

There is no one on this planet that I have encountered that has given me a reason to believe that there is or is not a god.  It seems reasonable that unless I find a reason to believe anything, I first want proof.  A negative cannot be proven.  No one can prove that there is no God, especially if that god doesn't follow the laws of nature.

It's a misconception that atheists believe that God has been disproved by science.  Atheists recognize that you can't prove a negative and hold out for sufficient evidence that something supernatural exists.  An atheist may have a higher standard of evidence than non-atheists, so maybe that's why we're viewed as closed minded.  We simply look for the most reasonable explanation to a situation.  If you ever encounter an atheist that says, "I know that there is no God.  I know absolutely positively without a doubt that when I die, I will just rot in the ground," then that atheist is either exaggerating, a liar, or just hasn't looked hard enough.  Not even Richard Dawkins makes that statement.

I consider myself to be about 85 to 90 percent agnostic.  Most atheists do.  Besides, "a-theist" just means "without theism."  That only means that we don't have a religion.  I guess the word "atheist" is just a quicker way of saying, "Oh me? I'm 85 to 90 percent agnostic, and I don't subscribe to any set of religious beliefs."

For me to believe in God, it would take some sort of event that could only be explained as God, with no other possible explanation.  It could not be a dream or something that my subconscious might tell me.  It could not be something that could be explained as a random coincidence.  It wouldn't have to be something that I could prove to others or repeat in a laboratory.  If I was brushing my teeth and my window flew open and lightning began burning holes in the wallpaper that spelled out the words "Believe In Me," and then God appeared and gave a brief explanation of himself that was consistent with one of the existing religions, I might be convinced.  First I would check my building to see if anyone was playing a trick.  Next, I would go to a doctor to make sure there was nothing wrong with my brain... and so on.  Only as a last resort would I accept a supernatural explanation over a natural explanation.

Over the last year or so I've had to struggle with the idea of being an atheist.  It isn't exactly a comforting belief to think that when you die, you're done.  You just rot in the ground and cease to function.  I now fear death more than I used to.

I have recently been able to find positives and become comfortable.  Realizing that the world is harsh and random is quite pleasant when you get used to it.  You figure out how to ground yourself as if you're standing in a creek as the water and dirt flow by.  When I was more spiritual I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out the meaning of every situation:  why are we here, what am I supposed to be doing with my life, what did it mean when (fill in the blank) happened to me?  The true secret to life's answers is that there is no secret.  

Another pleasant facet about atheism is that I realize that I'm only going to be here once, then I'm done.  If I want to make a name for myself, influence others, or see the world, I shouldn't sit on my hands.  This is not one of many lives.  There will be no afterlife.  Whatever I do, it must be done in the next sixty years.  I find that motivating, and it makes me appreciate life, society, and my family so much more.

I now spend less time trying to figure out how the world is connected as a whole and just start accepting the random chaos.  Happiness can be found anywhere and everywhere.  We can be good to each other even if we don't have all of the answers.  There may not be the same security in atheism as a theistic belief, but that's what I like about it.  Atheism doesn't feel simple.  There are no specific rules, commandments, or judgments.  There is nothing but an infinite search for the truth, which I may never find.

And I'm okay with that.

:: Thank You For Reading ::

:: Coming Soon:  My Life As A Skeptic ::